There’s a quick and easy question! How would you answer it?
Life lessons are one of the 52 questions I’ve been asked every week since my last birthday, almost a year ago. Then our daughter, Jen, gave me a subscription Story value. The service is intended for older relatives to answer a weekly question about their lives.
The questions range from what your parents/grandparents were like, to favorite movies, books and TV shows, first dates, sports played or favorite toys. Other questions focus on giving advice, sharing experiences and philosophical reflections. The answers will be collected over a year and can be published, along with photos, in a book for your family and future generations to read.
Many questions are an opportunity to reflect and reminisce. Some questions are really quick and easy. Thinking about life lessons, not so much. My life was all about personal growth. As an author, trainer, coach and facilitator, I have worked for decades to help readers and clients increase their personal, team and organizational effectiveness.
My top ten life lessons
In my books/workbooks and articles and blogs (indexed on our website by topic), the learning issues and conclusions of my life are intertwined with research and writing, workshop design and delivery, executive coaching, leadership team and culture development, along with spiritual reading in the morning and meditation. It was a difficult and – a very useful – challenge to summarize all that in ten important lessons:
1. Love is our life energy source
I have written chapters in books and about 200 blogs and articles about love. Most of this is focused on personal/career passion and leading with heart. My Let’s Be Frank series was written to help you find love in all the right places.
I now see unconditional love as a spiritual force that energizes all life here and beyond. Our earthly challenge is to learn how to continually live in the light of love and compassion when faced with the dark forces of hatred, fear, tyranny, etc. Nurturing and flourishing in a loving family can be an inner source of strength for broader applications.
2. Optimism is life-changing
Nurturing and strengthening optimism is a core theme in my life and work. For some it is self-evident. But like most people, I must continually work to maintain hope and positivity, especially when dealing with life’s inevitable catastrophes and crushing failures. Part of that relentless work is looking for progress and proof that our world is getting better, despite all the negative headlines.
3. We are spiritual beings having a human experience
I grew up in a fundamentalist Mennonite church with terrifying messages of hellfire and damnation. Through decades of study and meditation, I have come to see a huge difference between religion and spirituality. Some religions nurture spiritual growth. Many are suffocated. Too often, fear and dogma are used to control, separate and damn anyone who is not a “true believer in THE faith.”
Studies such as Jeffrey Mishlove’s award-winning research paper Beyond the Brain: The Survival of Human Consciousness After Permanent Physical Death (along with dozens of other studies available in that link) reinforces my belief that our short time on this earth is meant to deepen our spiritual growth for whatever comes next.
4. Life is habit formation
Good and bad habits are small daily choices that accumulate. Each choice is a small thread interwoven with hundreds of other small choices. Ultimately, these wires grow into a strong cable. By the time we realize we have a good or a bad habit, the habit has gotten to us. Psychological research shows that we are not stuck with our habits. It may not be quick or easy, but we can change our habits.
5. Three key questions are at the core of our being
- Where are you going (picture of your desired future or outcome)?
- What do you believe in (your guiding values or principles)?
- Why do you exist (your reason for existence, mission or purpose)?
These are not in any order. Like a triple yin-yang symbol, they merge and blur into each other. I have placed them at the heart of key models of personal, team and leadership effectiveness, and formed the basis for many of my books and development programs. Heather and I have built our personal, family, and professional lives around these core questions.
6. We need to talk…about mental health
In the event of physical injury or ailments, we seek medical assistance. Far fewer people receive help when they suffer from psychological injuries or ailments. I was guilty of the same thing.
Through up-close personal experiences, I now realize that debilitating mental health problems, just like physical health, stem from combinations of genes, environment, and thinking habits. The first step to improving mental health is destigmatizing the problem. As we have seen in our family, we can dramatically improve our mental health by having open discussions and getting professional help.
7. A lifelong growing learner
A core theme in my life and work is personal growth. When I left high school and eventually found my way into sales, I became interested in books, courses, and personal development services. The personal transformation I experienced fueled a passion that led me to the training and development field.
Many of my books – especially Increase the distance And Leadership at the speed of change — personal growth and leadership development intertwined. As a lifelong learner, I aspire to grow old, not just grow old.
8. Reflecting on our thinking with meditation and mindfulness
For decades, I have found spiritual/inspirational morning reading and meditation a positive way to start my day – especially during the most hectic of times. It’s hard not to believe everything we think – especially the fear – and turn that into our reality.
Some nights, when I have trouble sleeping due to worries or a racing mind, I go to my meditation chair and calm myself. To help prevent a speed frenzy, one of my blogs has collected 14 ways to slow yourself down.
9. Predicting unpredictable randomness
Life is often unfair. Bad things sometimes happen to good people, and good things sometimes happen to bad people. Genetics, accidents, where we were born – and to whom, acts of nature and the like can be kind or cruel.
Our choice is how we handle whatever hand we are dealt. As the Serenity Prayer teaches, we need “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
10. Positive psychology is a proven framework
After decades of trying to apply the above approaches, I was pleased to see that emerging research offers an evidence-based approach to increasing happiness and personal effectiveness.
Positivity, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement, known as PERMA, offers proven steps to increase optimism and happiness. These approaches can be especially helpful in avoiding the pitfall of relentlessly pushing for more, more, and more. PERMA helps us redefine wealth and personal balances into what really matters in life.
Those are my most important life lessons – so far. What are yours?
