This is the time when there is so much focus on your partner as Valentine’s Day approaches. All you hear is how to make your partner happy and what you can do for him or her that day to make him or her feel appreciated. It’s essential to show gratitude to your partner, but what about you? This day can be challenging for those who are single and want to find a partner or who have just broken up.
But what if a day is dedicated to yourself, where you focus on yourself? That day falls before Valentine’s Day, February 13 and Self-Love Day. The best way to show love and care for yourself is to set boundaries that are essential for protecting your mind, body and soul.
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What are the signs of bad boundaries, and why is setting them often a struggle?
Many people who live to please others have difficulty setting boundaries. They will have difficulty saying “no” to those who ask them to do favors they do not want to do, or to say “no” to things that others impose on them. So many people have difficulty setting boundaries because they probably grew up without their needs being met or because they were led to believe that their needs were unimportant. Perhaps they were caregivers at a young age. Therefore, the reason usually stems from childhood trauma of feeling unimportant. As a result, they grow up craving approval, so they will go out of their way to please others and make sacrifices they don’t want to make. They fear rejection and criticism.
Another common dilemma people pleasers with no or poor boundaries face is that they avoid conflict because they may have been treated unfairly by caregivers or peers in their childhood. Conflicts are triggering because it affects their self-esteem. Therefore, if they agree to do something for someone they don’t want them to do, but they think will win his approval, they will do it.
Why is setting boundaries essential, and what are the consequences of not setting them?
Setting boundaries is essential for your mind, body and soul, and that’s because not having them will have serious consequences. First, if you continually do favors for others that you don’t want to do or get yourself into situations you don’t want to do, you’ll continue to make sacrifices, which means you’ll continually put your needs on the back burner. Therefore, that will only fuel resentment and anger. That is a sign that there is an imbalance within.
It will negatively impact your physical and mental health, career and personal relationships. And others will not approve of you if you continue to do things for them because they will disrespect you and take advantage of you. You will also see your self-esteem being damaged even further.
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Even though conflict can breed conflict, others will respect you if you make it clear what you will and will not accept and start saying “no” to those who ask you to do things you don’t want to do. They may not like that you refuse to do things for them that you don’t want to do, but you will gain their respect for standing up for yourself and your beliefs.
Another reason setting boundaries is essential is that they create safe relationships. If you have boundaries, people won’t take advantage of you. They will hear, validate and appreciate you. This way you will not be taken advantage of by family, friends, boss or colleagues.
When you set boundaries, you create rules for how others around you will be and how they will treat you. If you make it clear what you will and will not accept, others will know their place. Setting boundaries will help increase your self-esteem as you create your values and priorities and meet your needs. Setting boundaries will help you achieve goals, which means you’ll feel stronger and ultimately be able to serve others better.
You also need to remember that setting boundaries is part of self-respect, self-care, and self-love. It helps you stay assertive without being mean, and boundaries help you express yourself quickly. You will also be a better listener, avoiding grudges, and if you set boundaries, you will set consequences for anyone who violates them.
Now that you know why setting boundaries is essential and what the consequences are if you don’t, let’s discuss how to set boundaries. You’ll want to start slowly if this is an area of struggle.
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Find out why your boundaries are important
To take care of yourself and your values, you need to set boundaries. However, you cannot set boundaries to develop them. You need to know why the boundaries you want to set are essential. For example, if your mother keeps coming to your house without calling you first, and you feel uncomfortable and irritated because she does so, but you allow her to do so, then it’s time to investigate. If she wants to stop, that’s a boundary you need to set. You know that your mother comes to your house without informing you first, and you don’t like that.
You also know you’re not saying anything to her, so she keeps doing it. Therefore, after you acknowledge and investigate this problem, you know it is time to tell your mother to call you before she plans to come to your house. When you do that, you set a boundary. If in the future she goes to your house without calling you first, you have the right to tell her she crossed your boundary because you told her to call or text you that she was coming over before she left, and you have to remind her to keep doing it. Maybe one day you won’t let her in if she doesn’t.
Start with small steps and start setting boundaries early in new relationships
If you’re new to setting boundaries and you’ve avoided conflict all your life, setting boundaries may scare you because it’s completely outside your comfort zone. Stepping out of your comfort zone is growth, but it has to be done slowly so that you keep moving forward, otherwise you will fall back and be unwilling to step out of your comfort zone again.
Your comfort zone has satisfied people, and now you know what that costs you. That’s why you know it’s time to set boundaries. However, you can only set a few boundaries at a time from the beginning. Therefore, initially set only a few for everything that is important to you.
You can go back to the mother example because you can set the limit within which your mother will contact you before she visits without letting you know. But if you’re not ready to tell those who ask you for a favor, you don’t want to take “no.” Don’t worry about that yet, but as you get used to setting boundaries, you will become more comfortable.
The other thing to remember is that when entering into new relationships, set boundaries early so that those people know what to expect from you. For example, let’s say you connect with someone new to social media and see that they can become a good online friend. You don’t want anyone contacting you after 8pm on a weeknight. Then that is a limit that you must set immediately. Tell them you won’t be speaking to anyone after 8pm, and if they message you after that time, contact them the next day.
Be consistent with the boundaries you set
When setting boundaries after years of people pleasing, you may feel comfortable setting a few boundaries here and there, but you will gain respect if you are consistent. Therefore, when you start setting boundaries, you must enforce them consistently. If you are not consistent with your boundaries, no one will take you seriously and you will be angry with yourself for not sticking to them.
For example, if you have made it clear to your mother that she is not allowed to come to your house unless she contacts you first, you need to be consistent in doing so. Don’t just tell her to do it once or twice and then have her come over without contacting you first. Once you set a boundary, it will be set, and sometimes you need to remind others of your boundaries as well.
‘No’ is a complete sentence
As you become comfortable setting boundaries, you will set more. You can take comfort in saying “no” to those who ask you to do things you don’t want to or can’t do. That shows that you are making significant progress. However, if you say “no” to someone who asks you for a favor that you can’t or won’t do, you can say “no” and adequately apologize and explain why you can’t help him or her. You don’t have to explain it to yourself when you say ‘no’ to someone. That’s because ‘no’ is a complete sentence. If you want to say, “Sorry, but I can’t help you,” that’s fine, but there’s no need to explain. No is no.
Make it clear to those who have crossed your boundaries
Unfortunately, there will be people who cross your boundaries after you set them. And you can’t keep quiet about it, even though you’re tempted to do so because of the way you avoided conflict. However, now you know that when you set boundaries, you must respect them, make it clear to those who cross those boundaries that what they did was unacceptable, and remind them of your boundaries. That will be a challenge to do, especially as you have avoided conflict, but it is necessary to make it clear to anyone who violates them that they have done so and that you will not accept that in the future. They may have forgotten your boundary, so you need to remind them.
Be selfish and focus on what you need and love
When you set boundaries, you see your worth; to continue to see your value, be selfish but healthy. Make time for yourself and do the activities that make you happy and that you enjoy. If you struggle to see your worth and don’t make that time for yourself, you’ll work on setting boundaries, which will continue to damage your self-esteem.
Remember, the more you engage in activities and hobbies you enjoy, the more feel-good hormones such as endorphins, dopamine and serotonin increase. That will encourage you to keep going. That will only help you see your worth and increase your self-esteem so that you will be consistent with your boundaries and feel much more comfortable setting them, which will be second nature to you.
Self-Love Day is on February 13, the day before Valentine’s Day, and that means a day dedicated to you for self-love and self-care. The most important thing you can do for self-care and self-love is to set boundaries with those who are important to you so that you no longer allow anyone to walk all over you. This way you can see your worth, increase your self-esteem, and see that your needs and wants matter as much as those of others. If you struggle with setting boundaries because you struggle with self-esteem issues and need to seek everyone’s approval, then setting boundaries will be new to you. Yet it is necessary to practice self-care and self-love so that you can balance your mind, body and soul.
